


Confessional

by BrightBlueInk



Category: Chrno Crusade
Genre: Character Study, Gen, Guilt, Journaling, Post-Canon, Self-Reflection, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-17
Updated: 2017-12-17
Packaged: 2019-02-15 19:01:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13037433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BrightBlueInk/pseuds/BrightBlueInk
Summary: A priest at the Order suggests that Joshua should write in his journal to understand how he feels about Aion. It goes as well as you'd expect.Originally posted on my tumblr.





	Confessional

I admitted to the priest in charge of my “discipling”, Father O’Neil, that I didn’t think I hated Aion. That I wasn’t sure how I felt about him. 

I expected him to react as though I was crazy, or that Aion had somehow manipulated me into being unable to hate him. Those in the Order who know about him and who he was in general have plenty of opinions on Aion, and they’re not exactly pleasant. When I first was taken in by the Order, I got a lot of sympathy for the horrors I’d been through, the way I was mistreated and used.

That never quite rang true for me. Logically, I know that he used me as a tool. I know that I was a child that had no idea what I would be agreeing to when Aion first asked me if I wanted Chrono’s horns. But I never felt that I was being used or mistreated. The way he put up with my questions, my illness, when the Noise became so overwhelming that I would lash out and attack whoever was near as a target…was I really mistreated?

What am I saying? Of course I was mistreated! I’m a _mess._ I’m a mess, and it’s his fault.

But I also feel like Aion didn’t want to make me this way. He tried to help me. Maybe he didn’t pull it off, but he wanted to. Maybe it’s not his fault I’m the way I am. All of my decisions are my own, aren’t they?

I told Father O’Neil some of this, after several probing questions about Aion. He didn’t react how I expected. He didn’t treat me as insane or an invalid, or order that I be shocked with electricity in the hopes that it would reset my brain. He didn’t react with horror. Pity, maybe. Some discomfort that he tried (but failed) to hide. But horror? No. He said it was logical to still have some affection for someone who more or less raised me for a time, the way Aion did. He said that it meant I will probably be able to forgive Aion in time, and that it was important for me to try to forgive, if I haven’t already. Forgiveness is very important in Christianity, after all.

He told me I should write my feelings down to sort them out. He’s why this notebook is getting so full, for some reason he’s gotten the impression that writing is helpful for me. Maybe because of how much I read? I don’t think I agree. Writing all this out means I think too much, and I haven’t been able to reread a single thing I written here so far. Just remembering the stuff I’ve written here makes me cringe. I shouldn’t feel the way I do, and I know it. Father Remington knows it, Father O’Neil knows it, Rosette knows it, Azmaria knows it. All this coddling and reassurance that it’s okay for me to feel the way I do feels hollow. They can’t really believe it, can they?

You know what the worst part is? Aion wasn’t just the person who “raised” me. He wasn’t just the person that used me. He was my HERO.

How twisted is that? Him, a hero? But that’s how I felt. When I looked at Aion with that damned Noise filling with my head, he seemed like one of the few in control people in the entire world. I could never really hear his Noise for some reason. Maybe being a demon allowed him to block my powers, or maybe he was just quiet enough in his that the rest of the Noise drowned him out. (I think that’s why it was always hard to read Fi. It wasn’t that she didn’t have thoughts of her own, I don’t think. They were just so distant that I could never really hear it.)

But it wasn’t just that I couldn’t “hear” him. It was everything about him. He had this cold confidence to how he acted most of the time and how he carried himself. He was so sure of his plan. He knew exactly what he was doing. He saw nearly everything that could happen, and when the unexpected did happen he could so easily adjust his plans to make them perfect. Everything in my head was in chaos and he was so ordered. He seemed the pinnacle of, well, everything. He was every hero of every pulp I’d ever read, combined with every heroic figure in every myth and legend I’d ever heard of.

He thought he was going to save the world and I believed him. I felt like I’d seen the worst the world had to offer. When my parents died, the world had abandoned me and my sister. When my apostle powers suddenly appeared, that “blessing” made everyone around me afraid of me. Hearing that “Noise” only confirmed everything I thought the people around me were thinking. I was a _freak._ I rejected the world. It was sick, broken, wrong, just like me. I really thought Aion was going to fix it. I really thought he could. I didn’t care if the horns destroyed me as long as I could help him do it. 

And then the horns were gone and I could see again. I could suddenly process what he had told me to do—what I’d gleefully done to “fix” the world. And then, when Pandaemonium was looking for a new vessel and he was targeting my sister, I looked in his eyes and I saw it.

He wasn’t in control. He wasn’t some heroic figure. He was a terrified, broken shell of a demon desperately trying to scrape together his plan as it was falling apart around him, as his followers died or betrayed him one by one. He wasn’t in control anymore. He maybe even had less control than I did in that situation. He certainly had less control than Azmaria and Chrono did. He wasn’t worthy of being anyone’s hero, let alone mine. He was just some confused, pitiful kid raging at a world that he had felt betrayed by. 

That’s it, isn’t it? In a weird sort of way, he’s me. That’s why I can’t hate him. And it’s why I can’t forgive him. Because I know he could’ve chosen to try to make things right, and he didn’t. He tried to kill a defenseless girl, my _sister,_ because he screwed up. He got hurt and he ran, and Chrono chased off after him, and…what? 

Did he at least go down fighting? He probably would. Better that than admit that his cause was wrong. No redemption, not even an attempt at it.

What an idiot. Why did I ever look up to him? At least I’m trying to fix things. At least I’m admitting that my cause was stupid and that I need to fix it somehow. I didn’t stubbornly go down with the ship. I’m not that stupid.

I’m better than him, aren’t I?

Why do I even care so much? I have Rosette. I have a purpose and a goal. I have a future to focus on. Why should I even think about him anymore? The person I was when I was with him doesn’t even exist anymore, so why think about it? There’s no reason to.

Hell, did he even really care? The last things he said to me were that it was my fault Rosette made the contract with Chrono, and then to stomp his feet and refuse to give up on his plans as they fell apart around him. He didn’t express any sort of concern for the wounds on my head, or where Fiore had gone to, or maybe think about how I would feel when he KILLED MY SISTER IN FRONT OF ME WHILE I BEGGED HIM NOT TO. 

Fuck it, this doesn’t help at all. I give up. I’m not telling Father O’Neil any of this, I’ll just tell him that he can shove this stupid journal up his ass.


End file.
